Five Things You Need to Know About Your Christian Friend

1.       She has no connection to, nor does she have the desire to be connected, in anyway, to Westboro Baptist Church.

That’s right, the kooky group of hateful idiots that refer to themselves as “Westboro Baptist Church”, do only that … they refer to themselves with words that are also commonly found in the name of actual Sanctuaries of Worship. Please do not assume that this group has any actual influence in the Christian community, that the Christian community has any actual influence on this group, or that this group deserves near the press it gains every time it shows up somewhere uninvited.

Using Westboro Baptist Church to ascribe feelings and/or stances to your Christian friend or to the overarching community of Christians is much like using a violent gang member, who happens to be black, to ascribe characteristics to a black man. It’s offensive, don’t do it.

2.       He has probably never sat in a church service, ever, where he was influenced or encouraged to hate someone for having different beliefs or living differently than he does.

Funny thing, I have attended literally thousands of church services in my lifetime. I have attended Baptist services, Catholic services, Assembly of God services, Disciples of Christ services, Church of Christ services, Dutch Reformed services, Episcopal services, Lutheran services, Presbyterian Services, Nazarene services, Non-Denominational services, and Methodist services. I have attended weddings, music services, revivals, prayer services, private Bible studies, and school-mandated services. But never, in my thirty years, have I attended a service where explicitly, or implicitly, I have been told it is acceptable on any level to hate someone for being different or believing something different than I do. It would be near impossible for any church, claiming to serve Christ as the Messiah, to do so – it’s against the very nature of the teachings we honor … God is the very definition of Love.

Acknowledge that your friend is part of an historic religion that practices a strict way of living. Disagree with the sanctions put in place by your friend’s faith. Discuss with him why he believes in the standards set forth in his religion’s Holy Scriptures, just as you would with your Jewish, Islamic, or Buddhist friend. But please, don’t call him “friend” and then viciously attack him for attending a secret-society of hateful meetings that do not exist.

3.       You might not realize it, but she faces daily discrimination for her beliefs and, in many cases, is treated as a second-class citizen.

Listen, no thoughtful, intelligent Christian will try to deny the advantage of her peoples for the last several hundred years of Western history. We have pretty much been on top of the world! Our cultural values have reigned supreme; our political alliances have shunned those not in alignment with our way of life. And for a time, our standards were what it meant to be “American”.

But here’s the thing, in 2013, and for those savvy enough to be reading a blog, your Christian friend probably never enjoyed the Christian-benefit of the 50s. Your friend is most likely a child of the 70s or 80s, and grew up in the America that listened to feminists say her faith isn’t in alignment with new reproductive-rights standards, or in alignment with new sexuality standards, or with new consumer standards.

Your friend was most likely raised in a school system that inaccurately applied laws, after a series of lawsuits. She was told she couldn’t pray at the cafeteria table, that she couldn’t write a paper about her God, that she couldn’t start a Bible club, and that she couldn’t hand out information to her friends at school about an after-school church event.

Your friend is stared at uncomfortably if she uses the word, “Christian”, “Evangelical”, or “Jesus” in a public place. She faces termination is she mentions the words at her job, and she is shunned out of any political or social-advocacy discussions, because of the immediate presumption she is an ignorant, closed-minded bigot.

She knows she enjoys amazing religious freedoms, and she doesn’t take them for-granted. She also knows that much of the martyrdom and government-sanctioned discrimination of her peoples in other parts of the world started with laws and movements she is seeing in her own country.

Tread lightly: you can disagree with her stances, but try to admire her for keeping them.

4.       He is very possibly pro-choice, pro-gay marriage, and pro-Obamacare.

If you have a friend that is a Christian, care enough about him to learn a little more about the way his religion is organized. The theology that makes an individual identify with the Christian Church is a belief that Jesus, a recognized historical figure, was the Son of God, sent in human form. From this belief stems an array of doctrines (particulars for the way the overarching theology is carried out). While there will be sticklers in ANY movement or belief system (that has to do with personality, not creed), the vast majority of Christian peoples leave room for disagreement on the lines drawn between these doctrines. As so well put by St. Augustine, “In essentials: unity, in non-essentials: liberty, and in all things: charity.”

Baptists, for example, take an organizational stance that the consumption of alcohol can so often lead to hurtful behavior that it is best to abstain entirely. Quite the contrary, wine will be served, assuredly, at every Catholic or Lutheran function! Many denominations within the Christian faith place emphasis on social justice through charity work, while others place more emphasis on in-house ministries, such as touching lives through Bible study and music services.

It would follow, then, that there are Christian peoples who believe they honor God’s calling by loving the women facing abortions, loving the gay community by supporting legalization of gay marriage, and supporting social healthcare as a means of protecting God’s children. Others believe they are honoring God as the only Determiner of life by opposing abortion, His instructions for marriage in Scripture by opposing gay marriage, and a call for faith communities to support people in need instead of governments supporting people, by opposing Obamacare.

It might be hurtful and frustrating for your Christian friend to spend countless coffeehouse discussions in support of gay marriage only to see you bash his entire faith community on facebook, with the accepted view that “they’re all the same”.

5.       She didn’t write the rules.

Within the reality that lots of Christians carry out God’s Calling in lots ways, comes the necessary acceptance that without Holy Scriptures and definite rights and wrongs and absolutes, a religion is just an elaborate club. Maybe you believe that is exactly what religion is to begin with … an elaborate club. Whatever your stance on religion (many a secular sociologist can lead you to the conclusion is serves a valuable place in society), you can surely agree a person who pushes her own religion’s values and cultural heritage to the side must surely be loosely committed, if committed at all.

Do you need to agree with everything your Christian friend believes? No. Should you be able to openly and respectfully discuss your Christian friend’s opposing viewpoints? Yes. But please, don’t act shocked and mortified that she won’t abandon her Christian denominational sanctions just because they offend you, or the majority of the public, for that matter. In the same way an American Islamic woman wears her hijab, despite modern cultural acceptance of women’s choices; your Christian friend might “wear” her views on gay marriage, or abortion rights.

Please … she is honoring her religion. She did not write the rules, and she is struggling to apply her Holy Scriptures in a world that tells her they’re unacceptable. She is praying, she is discussing, and she is seeking. Let her honor her religion, and keep conflict of issues separate from criticism of her faith.

JNACK