Extreme Spiritual Couponing

As the child of a musician who was a closet accounting-whiz, I grew up sans name-brand stuff. No Lucky Charms, only “Pirate Marshmallow Treasures” at the Shults-house. No Nikes, Jen was wearing “Avia” to sports practice. While I have my hindsight to appreciate this value system, and certainly didn’t suffer for it at any point, the reality is that some items are better left to the Top Dogs. Among them are Cheerios (the knock-offs always taste like air, sprinkled with cardboard flavoring), Kotex (not going to go there … just trust me), and Alcon contact solution (apparently, the splurge for the name brand is the NON BURNING MY EYEBALL chemical). The “real thing”, as it turns out, is often worth those extra dollars. It has occurred to me recently that this has spiritual application. Am I opting to save a few emotions, moments, or a sense of control for knock-off spiritual fulfillment? And, is the real thing always worth my sacrifice?


Fear, for example. It serves a spiritual purpose, but only one; the only healthy fear is fear of the Lord. As we find in many circumstances, human communication limits our understanding of what this means. Do we shake in our boots at the thought of the Savior? Do we avoid eye contact? Do we change our phone number when He calls too many times with bad news?

Perhaps the best approach is the admission that we are simple creatures and must understand His concepts on simple levels. The fear of the Lord is one of respect and reverence, and I am reminded of my fear of heights. I can handle them to an extent, I acknowledge the vast beauty heights can display, but I get queasy at the thought of their power and potential. I could fall, I could lose everything, and it could be over with one wrong move.

A pilot, maybe a mountain climber, a skydiver, a man in a hot air balloon … now there are some folks who appreciate heights. They know the risks, they know others have been hurt (usually by their own negligence), but they have learned to respect the greatness of heights. There is a deep awareness of power, and a bold step towards working with that power to enhance their life experience.

Yes, I have failed to fear the Lord, and have settled for being scared of Him, being scared of what He can do in my life. I am curling up in a corner when He passes me by. Fear, fear would cause me to bow before Him in the Truth that only He can act mercifully in His plan to intertwine His greatness with my humanness. True fear of the Lord would suddenly release of my carnal fears. If He whom I fear is for me, who could be against me? Being scared is a cheap, worthless knock-off of the real thing.

Submission. Wow. Consider for a moment that I serve a Savior willing to humble Himself to a gruesome death, and that I cannot give Him me. I cannot give Him by cushy life, I cannot give Him my faults, I cannot give Him my selfish desires, and I certainly cannot hand over my silly belief that I am in control. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.

My cheap submission, my coupon for control, has been negotiation, bargaining. Lord, how about I give you some of my heart? How about I treat others somewhat like you have commanded? Lord, I won’t sell it all and give it to your children, but how about I put a few dollars in the offering plate? Father, I know my honesty could help to guide others through similar decisions and mistakes, but how about I limit this to an allusion of what I have been through? Good enough? Good enough? GOOD ENOUGH?! I am before the Savior, the Messiah, the Creator, the CHOSEN ONE, God’s ONE AND ONLY SON, and I am offering “good enough”? Negotiation tastes like luke-warm water and God promises to spit out this cheap replacement for submission.

Love. If the world were a grocery store, you’d have every option on this aisle. “How much were you wanting to spend?”, I’d say if I were still in sales, “Can you tell me a little about how you’re wanting to use your love?” Easy commission. Easy money to be made, and we have a culture that knows it. But for the follower of Christ, the illusion is much more subtle than we often assume.

This isn’t a story about my confusion over sex as love. This isn’t a story about my confusion over praise as love. This isn’t even a story about my confusion over relationships as love. This is always a story about my confusion over believing that love has any definition outside of Jesus Christ Himself. God is love, and when we forget this, we do silly things.

We follow His commands with no passion, or maybe we cut out His commands, because all that matters is that He “loves” us (when our vision changes to understand that He IS love, then all of His commandments are suddenly an extension of this love, and are no longer simple constraints). We serve other people with actions, but fail to credit our Source. We struggle to show our spouses, our children, our friends, and our world love through the “right” motions and words and rituals. There is no “right” way to love someone. There is only the recognition that, without Christ, we are creatures incapable of such a feat.

There are so many ways to fill in the blanks for what have cheaply replaced Love with. Throw them out.

The list of my artificial spiritual life continues, and I’m sure yours does as well. To what extent do we scrutinize over all of this? I’m not sure; the reality is that we are presently constrained by a false world, a world that produces, in abundance, spiritual knock-offs. But, I am reminded of what I think every time I eat Lucky Charms, “Oh man … this is so much better than the generic brand!” Maybe we have to fall before the Savior and admit that though the humble offering of our miserly selves may never be able to pay off the cost of the Real Thing, sometimes all that matters is that we can taste the difference when given the opportunity.

In Memorandum

Tonight, an emotional mess of a mother going to work full-time, a woman who is starting a new career, a wife newly sharing the financial burden of household … this night … a frail and tired individual wearisome with bills to pay and a moving date near approaching … Tonight, I cried amongst strangers and friends for a woman who for years has served as a vacant memory, and became real to me in a very sacred moment.


For those unaware, my father’s sister, Bonita, died many years ago. A homeless woman on the streets of Baltimore, she succumbed to AIDS just as my father and his brother and sister –in-law and nephew were on a plane to see her a final time. A “pleasantly plump” woman, I remember as a child my fascination with her emaciating weight-loss, visiting her in some sort of halfway house; curiosity still sits with me as I remember trying to guard my stare towards the odd and menacing growths in and around her mouth.

I did not know her well. I occasioned her at several holidays, before we moved off to Colorado, and before she disappeared for what I recall was five, or maybe six, years. Never very “smart”, and part of a generation that knew little to nothing about learning disabilities or mental illness, she grew weary of an adult life that included several failed marriages, and a bank account controlled by her mother. So, she “ran away”, well past forty years-old. By what my family still knows to be an act of a loving and merciful Savior, she received a message in some soup kitchen, or what have you, that she must call her mother at such-and-such a number. This message was given to her by none of us; we had no idea where she was or if she was alive.

Bonnie was able to connect with all of us again before her death and, thank God, before her mother’s (how gracious a Savior to give her daughter back to her before calling my grandmother home). As the years passed and the death of one aunt and one grandmother settled, I would learn of the deaths of my two cousins, Craig and Scott. Craig was murdered. He was followed in death just over a year later, by his brother; Scott killed himself, in anguish over his brother’s death. Bonnie became part of a rote storyline of the tragedy which was my father’s family. A vacant memory.

And then, there was this evening. A woman from a wonderful organization, named The Gathering Place, came to speak with my philanthropy class. As she began the expected discussion of individual donors, corporate giving and special events, I nodded my head in interest. Suddenly, there it was: the phrase to break all phrases, the words to shatter nearly twenty years of a simple story about a simple woman, who died of a very complicated disease, “At The Gathering Place, we want everyone to know that they are loved and accepted as exactly who they are right when they get there …”

Crippling. Tears. Tears of a death I had not noticed in years. Tears of a story I’ve been comfortable repeating. Tears of an acknowledgeable memory. Tears for what was now, in a single moment, my aunt. Tears for what was, oh God, my father’s sister; I am an adult who knows now what it would be to lose my brother, whom I hold so dearly. Tears for what was now my grandmother’s daughter; I am now a mother who knows that it doesn’t matter if I die before Mady, the knowledge of her fate would be pain enough. Tears for what was a childhood friend, a cousin, a co-worker … a tenant in someone’s halfway house … another patient, gone.

Tears, perhaps, because suddenly all those hurting and alone this evening became someone’s sister, someone’s child, someone’s friend, someone’s somebody, and most reverently … they are the children of the Abba, Father, Anointed and Merciful One. May I make no excuses for the times I do not uphold and uplift them, comfort them and cater to them, or fail to fall to my face in prayer for them, because – let me not be mistaken – as an heir of the Kingdom of Christ, they are my concern.

My Dear Brothers and Sisters, how I plead with you with words that cannot chase the number of my tears and my cries for the lowly. How I beg of you to turn away from whatever additions you hold in your life that cause another to go without. I serve The One who speaks sternly to us about serving the orphans, the widows, the prisoners, those who are poor and weary. And yet we bring to Him great castles and spectaculars of our fascination, as though idols in the name of serving Him are not idols at all.

Father, what have we done? That I sit in classrooms of those who claim no allegiance, but who, by Your Mercy, serve the ones You love, while we argue over where to build. That one bleeds and another dies while we gather jovially around our bread and wine. That we drown the pleas of, “My God, My God, why hath Thou forsaken me?” with our hymns and hands in the air. Your purpose is so clear, Lord. GO AND SERVE. Your call is so clear, Lord. WHEN YOU HAVE GIVEN UNTO THE LEAST OF THESE. Your vision is so simple, Lord. FOR THE FIRST SHALL BE LAST.

You are King of those who will never reign O Lord; help us to see.

Many tears may God allow us to shed today, tomorrow, and until the day He comes, in the name of those who have been forgotten, but for whom we have remembrance.


JNACK

Fun Times, New Eras, and a Few Shout Outs! :-)

My goodness, what a busy few months! Since my last post, I have had fun as a pageant-mom, holiday hostess, friend, and student!

My pageant-mom update includes a BIG WIN for my little Mady! In November, she competed in a Miss Heart of America Pageant (run by the fabulous Valerie Sweely). Mady won the Queen title for her division, and will be doing another of Val's pageants in May, Miss Crown Jewel. She will also be competing in June for Colorado American CoEd. This is a wonderful system and I encourage you moms to check it out for your daughters! http://www.colorado.gocoed.com/ !

As a holiday hostess, I had a great time having friends over for a holiday party in December. It was the beginning of an awesome time of the years! What a wonderful few months, celebrating the holidays with people that mean so much to me! For thanksgiving, it was off to Alamosa, CO to celebrate with my parents and my brother (in from Cincinnati), and a fun dinner with my in-laws, as well. For Christmas, we flew to Tucson, Arizona to meet up with my parents and brother again - and stayed with my great aunt and uncle, the "pair of jeans" (Gene and Jean!). We came home for a cozy Christmas Day at my in-laws' house, and then it was off to Copper Mountain for New Year's! PHEW!

The Nackerud family also welcomed its newest addition ... a 2010 Dodge Journey! :-) As Mrs. American Queen, I don't do a lot of "endorsing", but I do think I can give "shout outs"! We really enjoyed our time at Mike Naughton Ford, and would recommend it to anyone looking for a vehicle. We sure have enjoyed ours! :) Although, explaining to your three year-old that it is not okay to put her dirty feet on the upholstery has proven fairly difficult!

As a friend, I got to watch the MISS AMERICA PAGEANT this past weekend with great friends! Jennifer Lew, Anna and Ashley Berry (Ashley is Mady's "sister queen"!), Brenda and Makayla Fletcher, Holly Nugent, Angela Cartlon, and me and Mady all watched as Miss Nebraska took the title! Wow, how cool would it be to be Miss America at 17? Way cooler than prom queen!

School is back in session for me and I am keeping myself both challenged and excited. There are lots of things to learn in the nonprofit world, and I am excited to be sharing some of my new findings with the BEE board, this Sat. (Jan 22) at our meeting. We will be refining our programming and looking towards the future!

Speaking of the future ... I don't really do "resolutions", but I do think as each year comes and goes, we have an opportunity to evaluate where we are in life and "fine tune" some things! Here is what I am focusing on as 2011 continues ...

1. I want to support more music and art.
2. I want to go swimming more!
3. I want to sit quietly and read books, with no cell phone or computer to temp me.
4. I want to accept that, for now, I am a busy mom and full-time grad student, and can say, "no" to extra stuff that comes along.
5. I want to remember that I am smart, and intelligent, and capable - and can officially start ignoring anyone who disagrees with me.
6. I want to workout not to lose weight, not to win the next pageant, and not to "look better", but because it feels good and I want to be healthy.
7. I want to play more Barbies with Madelynn.
8. I want to say, "yes" more when nonprofit organizations ask for a few dollars.
9. I want to smile more ... and mean it.
10. I want to take the time to pray for people, and I mean really pray, because people need it.

Blessings to you and yours this year! Remember that Jesus Christ has a mighty purpose for your life ... trust His heart!

JNACK

Go TEAM BLUE!

I am so excited to post information on a recent American Queen appearance. It was a particularly wonderful event for me! As some may know, I grew up in a law enforcement family, and support law enforcement initiatives with my title is a responsibility I do not take lightly. Please enjoy photos of myself and Ms. American Queen, the lovely Michele Bates, at the Cops That Cook event, benefiting the Lakewood PD Explorers Program!

I encourage you also to read my most recent blog, "Slurring the Line". This week, please take my challenge to see the ways your life may reflect some of the acceptable slurs our society engages in.

Here is my challenge to you this week ... smile at a police officer, thank one, or even write a note to your local police department to let them know you appreciate that they are putting their lives on the line each and every day for you and your family. ;-)

Blessings,
JNACK

B.E.E.

As many of you know, I started a ministry several months ago. The ministry name was, "MRS" (Mothers Returning to School), and the aim was to assist mommies who wanted to go back to college! While I believe this is still on my heart, we ran into a number of obstacles that led me to realize the constituency we were working to reach was, perhaps, too narrow. I am so thankful for the education I continue to receive at Regis, where I study nonprofit management, because it has taught me that projects will continue to grow and adapt.

If not approached correctly, or with the right team, growth can feel like failure. Growth often takes its form in "scrapping the board", "starting over", or "admitting you're wrong". And, in a fast-food world where dreams are supposed to come true, we often don't take the time to realize how wonderful these bumps in the road are for our path, and how strong they are making us. I can think of the parallel to my marriage, or my relationship with Christ; the temptation is to think laterally, to assume that I must live always in the crescendo of life – when the reality is that my growth has often been born of the jagged, up-and-down, dots on a crazy chart.

And so, I rejoice as I begin to adapt to a broader need, and explore new ways to reach individuals seeking to further their education. On the 17^th, I was so privileged to meet with some outstanding women in my community who sat with me and discussed growth. I am proud to announce the formation of Beautiful.Educated.Empowered., "B.E.E.". The organization will aim to serve all women seeking higher education, which will encompass mothers. Our mission statement is, "B.E.E. will assist women in preparing for college planning, enrollment, and completion – through access to information and scholarship distribution".

B.E.E. will offer three programs: college-planning seminars, college-application tutoring, and a scholarship program. I am also excited to begin spreading the word about the Queen BEE Competition, which will give women in Colorado a chance to get involved by competing to be the organization's school presenters. Fundraisers in the future will include talent shows, Avon campaigns, and benefit concerts. I prayerfully ask you to consider becoming involved with this movement. If nothing else, check out the website today and learn more about what B.E.E. is up to!

My knowledge and my skills are incredibly limited, and it is for that reason I am indebted to the work of our new Board of Directors. Please join me in giving a shout-out (from your work desk, school desk, or home office!) to: Brenda Fletcher, Belkis Clark, Yvonne Franco, Anne Yeldell, and Laurie Pierce. These women represent wise council, and will be the backbone of all that B.E.E. accomplishes. I will be serving as their executive director, and am so honored when I think about carrying out the work they will set before me.

Thank you to all who know my background and are supporting these endeavors. I thank my Savior for the opportunity to have served as a inner-city recruitment specialist in Kansas City, where I learned of the deep need to provide specific information and guidance to those seeking post-secondary education. May He bless our humble efforts to place diverse leaders in front of a diverse audience as we spread the simple message and women can succeed in college.

WOW!

Well, it's official! This is no longer the blog of Mrs. Colorado American Queen 2010 ... it's the blog of Mrs. AMERICAN QUEEN 2010! I was crowned at the national event, on July 3rd. What a blast! I am now looking towards a year of traveling and spreading the message of DASH - Domestic Abuse Stops Here. What an honor!

I was able to be crowned with one of my best friends, which makes the whole experience that much cooler. Michele Bates came out to Missouri and entered as a Ms. contestant and won! Way to go, Colorado! Our state now holds two of the American Queen national crowns!

Michele and I will be serving with a great gal, named Alyssa Ballman - who is our Jr. Teen American Queen for 2010. I know with all of my hearts that we are going to have an outstanding year together, with lots of memories to come!

I want to again thank Connie Wallace for introducing me to this pageant several years ago, and for founding such an outstanding program. I want also to recognize Ms. Sunjia Burks, the new national director for the American Queen program. Sunjia suffered the loss of her husband less than a year ago, and to push forward to insure that the American Queen national pageant happened this year was a feat all its own. Here's to 2011!

For booking info, you can contact me at mrsaq2010@yahoo.com! Thanks, everyone!

Parting With No Such Sorrow

Tomorrow morning, I am off on an adventure. One hubby, one mommy, and one two and half year-old; set to drive a few states over! There are so many things I am looking forward to. Particularly, as this is officially my "Mrs. Colorado American Queen Blog", I must share with you that I feel honored to participate in the 2010 national crowning ceremony for the award-winning American Queen Pageant.

I have held a wonderful affinity for this system, since my first involvement in 2004 (I believe) as a judge for a regional preliminary. That year I made it into fifteen seconds of an MTV clip, whose cameras were rolling for a special that featured the event! I came back the following year, so glad for the chance to reunite with Connie Wallace, the founder, to chat and learn. And now, here I am, corresponding with the new national director as a contestant and heading out to be part of something that represents, for me, such positive involvement in pageantry. Thank you, thank you, thank you – to those who have paved the road that has lead to this opportunity.

More joyous than a reunion with a pageant family, however, is the reunion I will be sharing with my real family. And I do not stop with my brother, Grandma and Grandpa, my uncle Mark, and my cousins, Lisa and Kelly. I have been richly blessed to find time in this vacation to meet with Raeann Thompson, Jeni Jeppesen, and Gail Brickell. What a beautiful and diverse family I share when I think fondly of my sisters in Christ and the moments I have shared with them over the years. Gail and I worked together at CTU, and have grown to share pictures of daughters, stories of husbands, and tales of finding faith. Jeni and I share some of my most treasured memories … from sunning on the beaches of Florida, to crying together in a barrowed bathtub, to the kindness she showed me as I fell before her broken, wondering where God would take me next. And Raeann, oh Raeann – I can laugh and cry at just the mention of your name, the stories are too great … too deep to ever hope to express in a few words. But Sister, oh how my heart rejoices for you and my soul reaches to the Heavens to pray for your life. You mean more to me than could ever be hoped for in friendship – the Lord must have ordained it that I never have a biological sister, for the competition would be stiff for my affection!

And what of the Brothers I know to have in Christ? I can only hope to run into some of the greats of my life in Hannibal. Ben Craig, Cary Perrin, Drew Smith, TJ Collins, John Friesen … I am aware that many of us have moved on, but here's to the hope that you might be in town for the 4^th of July, so that I can enjoy the occasion of running into you! Ben and Cary – we were IT in the old days, remember? Before it was ever "cool" (if, indeed, it ever was …) to be part of that big youth-group, it was just US. We'd pile up in Ben's Oldsmobile and drive around listening to Busta' Rhymes … ha ha! Then you'd come over to the house and I'd bake chocolate-chip cookies … every day. Drew … "wiggly worms" is still the baddest gang around, and uh – sorry about cussing you out in Spanish class when you said my surgery bandages made me look like a mummy! The thing is - they did. TJ, you were a neighbor and a friend! Perhaps it seemed we just hung out leisurely, but trust me when I tell you I watched you from afar, watched your transformation – your commitment to growing into a man that honored God. Many a times, I used your life as a measure for mine, recognizing that my years on your relationship with Christ mirrored nothing in comparison to your newfound passion. And John … you. are. hilarious. But you're much more than hilarious, you are thoughtful and thought-provoking, and you will be rewarded greatly on the day you meet our Savior, my friend. I get joy from seeing you and your beautiful bride in your photos!

The memories I have lived in Missouri are bitter-sweet, because I know they are gradually moving to the back of my mind. The reality that my brother is moving to Cincinnati affects me deeply on a number of levels. The obvious, of course, is that I am losing my little brother. He is, by no means, little. Though I have lived away from him now for over three years, there's something different about him picking up his things and moving to a place I have no connection to. So long as he was in the house we shared in Kansas City, so were my memories.

I count on that house, that city – my brother, to hold a past-identity. There's the "remember that time"s, and the "ever hear from so-and-so"s, and the, "man I miss that place"s. I can always visit and Michael and I hit up our favorite coffee houses and restaurants, and I sneak in a few conversations with friends. The truth is, it's time for me to begin thinking fondly of new memories; the time Raeann and I drove to Denver … and the infamous stop at a McDonald's in Kansas … my wedding … the moment I woke up to tell Keith my water had broken … the mismatch coaches we had in our living room on Penrose … the way Madelynn ran around our house with goggles on … Angela's boyfriend trying to figure out how to fit her futon into our new apartment. But, it's hard. New memories mean a new life. For three years I have lived in one of the most desired cities in America, have been married to "the nicest guy you've ever met", and I have a beautiful, beautiful daughter. However, there is something in me, still, that convinces me hard times eluded my life before I moved here. It's as though I try to escape new challenges by clinging to my "remember that time"s.

Truth is, when Michael moves, there won't be much reason to return to Missouri. My only compelling connection will have moved on, forcing me to realize that all Kansas City, or Hannibal, or Columbia holds for me are memories. And don't get me wrong, memories are powerful and meaningful things, but if that's all that Missouri holds for me … then I must learn to cling to the ones I have right here in front of me. It is, perhaps, a deeper layer of "growing up" and one I have been fearful to approach.

So, Kansas City – here I come! Columbia, I will make sure and stop by the Artisan for some great hummus and a cappuccino. Hannibal, I look forward to the "run-ins" you will provide. But then, and I say this with a heavy and yet, somehow, joyous heart – I must leave you. And it won't be leaving you like it has been before; it won't be the kind of leaving that shows regret on my face – like I'd stay if I could. It won't be the "goodbye" that holds onto the grudges that keep me tied to you. It won't be the "see ya' later" that begins to plan the next trip. Kansas City, Columbia, Hannibal … it will be the kind of leaving that means it's over; the chapter has been written, and it's time to write of the beautiful life that is standing in front of me and waiting … waiting to be truly lived.